I recently finished reading “The Light We Carry” by Michelle Obama. In the book the former First Lady shares her perspective on how to persevere in this tough world and shares personal stories on how she has navigated through life whether its by maintaining a close bond with her girlfriends or finding a strong partner or embracing lessons learned from her mom and much more. Michelle Obama has always served as an inspiration to me — first and foremost she’s a highly educated, intelligent woman whose a wife, working mother, former first lady — I could go on. I admire the tenacity and grace through which she’s tackled life. And she treats everyone she meets with respect even if she disagrees with them.
There were three quotes in the book that really struck out to me. The first one about friendship and the importance of having close friends who are there to support you, listen to you, spend time with you, and lend a shoulder for you to cry on. (PS – you should do the same for them otherwise the one-sided friendship will not survive).
“…you’ll know there’s nothing more stubborn or solid than a barnacle. The same might be said of an exceptional friend. If you’re lucky, you might end up with at least a few melded into your life, people who become stalwart and unshakable, the friends who accept you without judgment, show up for the hard stuff, and give you joy – not just for a semester, or for the two years you live in the same city, but over the course of many years. Barnacles are not showy, either, which I see as also true of the best friendships. They need no witness. They are not trying to accomplish something that can be measured or cashed in upon; the substance mostly happens behind the scenes.” The Light We Carry by Michelle Obama
There are degrees of friendships and each friend can support you in different ways, but what’s important is that you have a close circle of friends that you can go through life with. Making friends as adults is really difficult. All my close friends are either from middle/high school or college. I’ve developed friendships with people I’ve worked with or met randomly but these bonds have been much weaker than the bonds I have with my friendships from childhood and college years.
There are two friends in particular who I want to write about. I met them in middle school – one in 6th grade and the other in 7th grade (you know who you are!). My family had moved to the US a year ago and this friend of mine, lets call her Amy, was the first real connection I made. She was also Indian like me. We met in Mr. Berger’s 6th grade Social Studies class while working on a project about Australopithecus. And the rest is history. From sleepovers to dressing up for twins day to playing endless games of hide & seek in 8th grade to going to a concert our friendship was cemented in the crucial years of middle school. But the real test came when her family moved all the way across the country at the end of 8th grade and miraculously we still maintained our friendship — for 7 years (wowza!) without seeing each before finally meeting up junior year of college. And little did I know that when I moved to the West Coast a few years ago, she was the only friend I knew in the area and our bond was cemented further.
So what kept our friendship going strong all these years? Thankfully, we grew up when social media only came into existence as we wrapped up high school and took off a few years later. On top of that, smart phones didn’t exist until 2009 and many of us didn’t get one until a few years later. We had to instead rely on picking up the phone and calling each other. And I must say both Amy and I excelled at this. We always made the time to call each other at least monthly. I lived vicariously through her high school and college years as she navigated dating and parties while I led a less heart hammering life.
Finally, in 2009 we met for the first time since her family moved across the country and our worlds collided. We saw each other as young adults and not as the giggling middle schoolers chasing boys (literally!) that we were. Seeing each other in person gave life to our friendship and we strengthened our bonds over the next few years. When I moved to the West Coast in 2018, Amy was the only person I knew and lucky for me she was one of my best friends. Having her around gave me a sense of security during a time when so much in my life was changing. And I hope she feels the same way about me (I think she does 🙂 ).
The second barnacle in my life is my friend — let’s call her Minny. I also met her in middle school but it wasn’t until the end of high school and college when our friendship grew strong. Even though we went to different colleges, we made it a point to call each other to catch up and provide support as we navigated young adulthood. Over winter break we always spent a few days in NYC and once we graduated, doing the quintessential New York activities (think holiday markets, skating at Bryant Park, strolling through Time Square — you get it) helped us become closer friends and learn to lean on each other. Eventually we ventured out of the tri-state area and took a few fun trips as we started our employment journey.
Minny has always been someone I can rely on to listen to me especially as my emotions spin out of control. She’s sympathetic and rational but most importantly I know she won’t judge me. Fast forward a few years when we lived together for a year down south and while our time as roommates was short lived, our friendship survived. The last few years we’ve lived in different cities but we’re both just a phone call away. Again, its not social media or text messaging that have kept this friendship alive but old school phone conversations (and her very old song collection that I only listen to).
Both Amy and Minny are just two of the exceptional friends I have and and I am thankful to have many more who’ve made a big difference in my life and continue to mean so much to me. Maintaining these friendships take effort and when we’re strapped for time with so many distractions that steal our attention, making the time for each of my friends has been one of my greatest strengths.
If there’s one point I want to make its that don’t rely on modern technology to build friendships – a text or a DM is not the same as an honest conversation. Show you vulnerabilities, be there for each other, stand up for each other, forgive each other, and assume positive intent. You’ll only make a handful of strong friends throughout your life so hold on to them tight.
Celebrate the strong female friendships in your life especially during Women’s History Month!