Moving to a new city where I didn’t know many people was an overwhelming and unsettling experience. The feeling of loneliness became pervasive and I had lost my sense of belonging. I took a 180 degree turn when I went from being a part of a thriving and tight-knit community in business school to not being a part of any community in Atlanta.
Pat Love and Jon Carlson write in their book Never Be Lonely Again “Investing time and energy in making contact where you live — whether it be through your neighborhood, a civic organization, a religious affiliation, or social activities — makes you fee part of a community.” They further write, “A large part of both happiness and success comes from the sense of belonging, which in turn comes from a bond with people from the broader community.”
Bonding with community can occur through many different ways — common interests, shared experiences, working toward the same goals and so on. The important thing is that “you must participate to feel as though you belong.” Read carefully because this is the most important part. Simply identifying yourself as part of a group such as an Atlanta transplant or Marketing professional or Tennis fan or fitness enthusiast is not enough. “You have to show up, donate time, and commune with others who share your affiliation. The sense of belonging comes from involvement.”
As I’ve written before, I started playing Tennis again in Atlanta to engage in a fun activity and spend some quality time outdoors. The Tennis clinic was fun but I still did not feel this sense of belonging. I felt like I was going through the motion of participating in this activity that I loved without feeling connected to the people who were there with me.
There had to be a better way for me to connect both with my interest in Tennis and with people. I remembered my neighbor who had joined a Tennis team a year ago and how much she was enjoying the experience. I had thought about doing the same but my fear of committing to an activity on a weekly basis and fear of playing competitively stopped me. But this time I had to get over both of these fears to take a step forward. On an impulse while running in the park, I stopped by the Tennis center and asked an old coach who I took a few lessons from if he knew of any teams looking for new players. He asked me to send him an email, which I took a few days to send. He connected me with a team and voila the rest is history.
I am now a famous Tennis player making millions! Just kidding.
Joining this team has been a lot of fun. The ladies on the team are awesome, competitive but not mean. Most importantly though being a part of this team has given me a greater sense of connection and belonging. I’m excited to show up to practice not only because I want to improve my skills but also because I’ve committed to this group. I am committed every week to showing up to matches and playing my best. If I don’t then not only am I letting myself down but I am letting my partner down. I’ve also noticed the ladies on this team staying after their individual matches to cheer teammates and look out for each other. There is a genuine sense of connection.
If you’ve grown up playing a team sport all of this sounds familiar and is what you’ve enjoyed as a kid but as adults we often times forget and dismiss the need for community. But belonging is a basic human need. It’s when you move to a new place or experience a life change that you realize the importance of community. Before Atlanta, community for me was always a given. Throughout high school and college I had my group of friends. When I started working, I had my work colleagues but I was also a train ride away from my family. Now that I am not and my best friends live in different states, the need to create an intentional community arose. Being a part of this Tennis team has given me just that.
Another thing to keep in mind is that while creating this intentional community you have to be authentic to yourself. I know this sounds cliche and it is. What I mean is don’t give your time to activities and organizations just for the sake of creating a community. Because then it will feel more like a chore and will make you feel like you’re going through the motions. Take inventory of fun activities you like to do or causes you care about or of your passions and create an intentional community around these. Doing so will lead to real engagement and commitment. And like it did for me be a fix for loneliness.