Anxiety. Worry. Worst case scenario. Stress. One of these should be my middle name. Fortunately its not — its Deepak. In the Indian (not Native American but of the Indian subcontinent) kids take on their dad’s first name as their middle name. But I digress. I’ve always been an anxious person. Overthinking everything. Looking back I think it was in college where I my anxiety really started to take hold. While high school was stressful and competitive, it was manageable. The stakes were not so high yet. I had a great group of friends, awesome teachers, I was involved in a host of activities. I got good grades, my GPA was high enough to get into a great college. And I was always surrounded by people. I always think back to my 4-6pm nap time after school. I could nap almost every day for those 2 hours and feel refreshed. All that disappeared in college.
My first sign in college was the lack of my ability to nap. Starting my first semester I was unable to take naps in the afternoon. This might seem small but my mind would constantly be thinking about homework and classes and all the reading I had to do. Just as I was falling asleep a dose of adrenaline would flow through my body waking me up from my near sleep state. The worst feeling is when you’re about to fall asleep and then BOOM your body wakes up, heart beats faster, and mind flips the switch to GO GO GO.
In high school we had so many homework assignments and tests and quizzes that a bad grade in one did not impact your overall grade. In college the stakes were much higher. Each assignment counted for more, each test counted for more. And the competition was greater. Going to a competitive undergrad institution meant all my fellow classmates were smart. There was no cushion built in. As the stakes got higher, my anxiety or the feeling that I had to do better got worse.
To make things worse, this did not play well into my perfectionist personality. Because try as I might there was always someone who did better, was smarter, was faster. While I could stand out in high school, this was not possible in college. I went to a larger undergrad institution where the sheer number of students made it almost impossible to stand out and be at the top. I realized pretty quickly that I would never have the best grades or be at the top in some of my classes. This was my saving grace. I decided early on that I would do the best that I could and to the best of my ability. And I did.
Fast forward to June 2016 when I moved to Atlanta. New city. new job. I barely knew anyone. Just a few months back I was living life in business school. I had a great group of friends. I was driven and had a purpose – to get my MBA. School kept my mind occupied. All of that was lost when I moved. My anxiety returned in business school given the stressful environment and pressure but it came back full force after my move. I also started to feel lonely and disconnected from people. Talking to my family and friends over the phone wasn’t the same. Atlanta has lots of things to do but I didn’t have anyone to do them with. To top things off I was not adjusting well at work. The company’s culture and mine was at odds and I realized quickly on that I wouldn’t be doing the type of work and developing the skills that I wanted at the company. All of this made of a very tough transition that made me more and more anxious.
I fell asleep at night but woke up early without being able to fall asleep again. I spent weekends doing chores around the apartment and going grocery shopping. I would count down the hours in a day and find things to do to keep me busy without actually connecting with anyone. My definition of productivity was cleaning, loading the dishwasher, doing laundry. I was like a hamster going round and round in a cage. Not a fun place to be. I was unhappy and did not know how I could change that.
It’ll be a year since my move and I still very much feel isolated and disconnected but at least I’m more self aware. I now know that doing chores does not equal productivity and no matter how much I keep myself busy unless I connect with people and find a purpose in my life outside of work or someday hopefully at work I will not be happy. Feeling connected to people, spending quality time with them, and doing something for others is what gives us happiness. I know that now. I just have to find a way to get there.
At least I survived a year. I became more self aware of my needs and what steps I need to take to be less anxious and lonely again. This is not to say that reducing my anxiety will not be a journey. As I write this my heart is starting to beat faster and I can feel that uneasiness return. To be less anxious about life. Learn to live in the present. Learn to connect with others. While this solution is not easy and the journey a long one, if I can get back to the person I was in high school – happy, connected to my friends and family, being grateful for everything that I have then it will all be worth it!